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Is there a problem, officer?

October 18, 2010

While I was coming home from the gym this morning, I was pulled over for going somewhere between 5-10 mph over the speed limit.  I only received a warning, which is nice, but the police officer said something to me that made me question his overall intelligence.

My eyes were a little red because I had gotten a little bit of sweat in them while I was running, so the officer asked me if I had been smoking any marijuana.  I said no and explained why they were irritated, and he said that if I hadn’t had on my noticeably sweaty shirt at the time, he would have probably searched my car.  I asked him why, and he said:  “Well, you were going over the speed limit and your eyes are red, so it would be safe to assume that you were under the influence of marijuana or possessing some.”

Clearly, this officer is grossly misinformed about the effects of marijuana, specifically on a motorist.

First off, any regular person not under the influence of drugs looks at a speed limit and adds 5-10 mph.  Potheads are the only people that look at speed limits as actual limits.  If they see a speed limit sign that says “25 mph”, they’re going 10 just to be safe.  Anytime you see someone driving under the speed limit, they’re either 90, high as all hell, or smuggling a significant amount of heroin inside themselves.

Additionally, any car around or behind a pothead is usually considered to be a cop.  As long as it has lights and isn’t in front of them, potheads believe that every car is probably a police officer that knows they’re high.  If it is in fact a cop and it passes them, a pothead will instruct the passengers to refrain from smiling or eating or making eye contact, as this will clearly indicate they are all high.

I’m not saying high drivers are safer drivers than sober drivers, but kind of.  Sober people text, eat and play sodoku while they’re driving, but high drivers drive.  High drivers are the only people who realize how scary cars really are.  They’re two-ton death machines hurdling right towards each other at 50 mph with only two yellow lines separating them and this shit should be horrifying at all times, but most people figure it’s a perfect time to check their e-mail or google “Brett Favre’s penis.”  Potheads just want to get to Taco Bell as safely and quickly as possible.

So anytime you see a safe driver, it’s safe to assume they’re on lots of drugs.

If they actually signal well before coming into your lane. HIGH

If they actually yield at a sign that says “yield.” HIGH

If they don’t drive right on your ass and  refrain from shining their one high-beam into your rear-view mirror and blinding you because they’re too lazy and useless to get their headlight fixed.  HIGH

Basically, I’ve lost my faith in the justice system.


8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 19, 2010 4:50 am

    Here in Oregon everyone pretty much drives the speed limit…because they are all high

    It’s the tweekers you have to worry about!

  2. October 21, 2010 3:20 am

    They probably have more fun, too. The changing lights with pretty colors, the tracers when they speed by lights, just fantastic.

  3. October 21, 2010 6:34 pm

    You know awfully a lot about drivers that are stoned.

  4. October 22, 2010 7:18 pm

    I’ve never been high in my life, which must explain why I’m such a bad driver. And also why I crashed my car into a wall.

    Maybe you can do a cop education series, and then just let them know what they should really be looking for. Then again, you’d probably piss a lot of people of.


  5. October 26, 2010 4:11 pm

    This is hysterical. And SO FREAKIN’ TRUE! I kinda wish you could link this to the cop that pulled you over.

  6. October 26, 2010 9:53 pm

    I wonder why the officer asked if you were smoking pot. Does anyone actually answer yes to that question? It would be like “Yes officer, I am smoking pot. You want some?” Actually, that would be a funny sight to see.

  7. October 27, 2010 3:38 am

    So funny and so true.

  8. October 28, 2010 5:10 am

    Found you through 20sb. This one cracked me up! Reminiscent of my friends in high school (in Oregon… to back up the claim above by Cooking Asshole).

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