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The Day I Almost Peed My Pants and Subsequently Ruined My Life

July 23, 2010

When I was 14, I almost peed my pants in my first class of my first day of high school.  This is how it happened…or didn’t happen.

Some of my friends had older sisters who were juniors in our high school, and their male friends would give us wedgies and what have you.  In fact, one time we ran into them at a country club and they insisted that we rolled down a hill that was full of bushes and other things that hurt.  When my one friend refused to do so, they hooked the back of his boxers on a stop sign and forced him to run.

I was already running late and a junior boy caught up to me and gave me a wedgie, in which he lifted me all the way over his head.  He originally wanted me to skin the cat while I was up there, but I assured him that would do severe damage to me.  He finally let me go and I started running to class, but slowed down because I didn’t want to be the sweaty guy on the first day of class.

I kind of had to pee,  but I didn’t want to be any later than I was, so I decided I would explain the situation to my teacher when I got there and I was sure he would understand.

I walked into the classroom right as my teacher was butchering a name with too many consecutive consonants.

“Hey, how ya doing? You must be Michael.  Take a seat; we’re just going over the syllabus.”

“Sir, excuse me, but I need to use the restroom.  I didn’t want to be any later so I …”

My teacher shifted his focus towards the entire class.

“One of the most important rules of class is NO bathroom breaks.  You have plenty of time before and between classes to take care of that.  I will not forfeit any of my teaching time.”

I was only 14 and this was my first day of high school, so I was still afraid of the consequences of just leaving, so I walked to the only open seat.   It was at this point that I noticed my girlfriend and best friend were in the same class.

The class was only 50 minutes, so I convinced myself I could do it.

“OK Michael, you can do this.  Mind over matter.  Time to put your game face on and not wet yourself in public.”

Despite my best efforts, the pressure was building and I was becoming highly agitated.  I was shifting around in my seat every three seconds, trying to out maneuver nature, and this was causing my seat to squeak loudly.  My forehead was getting damp with sweat, but then I noticed there was only ten minutes left.

Then, my leg started to kick rapidly and I couldn’t stop it.  I had never withheld relief from my bladder for so long, so maybe that was just a natural reaction, but my leg was hitting the bottom of my desk, causing the girl in front of me to turn around.

“Are you jacking off?”

“What? NO.  I’m just a little antsy, turn around.”

Did that really just happen?  Who hears a tapping noise and starts throwing out the masturbating in public accusations?

I had the strong urge to put my gum in the back of her hair, but I decided I would just start a rumor about her instead.

Suddenly, the pressure became too strong for me to handle and I didn’t think I cou…

Oh dear God. I couldn’t bear to look down.  I felt a release but I couldn’t actually feel anything.  I figured I was in shock and went into panic mode.

What have I done?  I just peed my pants in school.  I peed my pants during my first class on my first day of high school.  Well, that’s it for me.  This is who I am now.  I’m going to be the kid who pissed his pants in high school.  No matter what I do from here, it’s always going to come back to this.

“Hey Mike!  I see that you’ve become a doctor and an astronaut, but remember that time in ninth grade when you peed your pants?”

I started to look around to see if anyone noticed, but everyone was listening to my teacher.  I imagined if Twitter had existed at the time, the girl next to me would have tweeted about it.

Ew, guy next to me totally peed his pants.  Gross. #incontinentloser

I still hadn’t looked down and it was at that point that I made eye contact with my girlfriend.  I was sure that this event would do wonders for our relationship.

“Hey! How are you and Michael doing?”

“Well, we were doing fine until he pissed his pants in the class we have together and started crying.  I think I like girls now.”

Then the bell rang.

This was the moment of truth.  I thought about running towards the bathroom and camping out in there until it dried, but my girlfriend and BFF were already on their way to my desk.  I decided to man up, and when I finally looked down…

NOTHING!

I don’t know what the release was but it wasn’t me urinating on myself.  The worst day of my life turned into nothing at all in a split second and now here I am, a normal person with friends and no interest in RPGs.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 23, 2010 3:26 am

    hilarious blog! i’ll definitely be following 🙂

  2. July 23, 2010 4:03 am

    Haha! Oh God, this is one of the top 10 worst feelings of all time. Having to pee when you can’t! UGH. I can totally relate. Recently I attended the midnight showing of Eclipse, I decided to sit all the way in the middle… surrounded by a full audience… drinking a large soda. I think I got up a total of 3 time during the movie, and I’m pretty sure some twi-hards were gonna fuck me up afterward. Worst. feeling. ever.

  3. July 23, 2010 9:10 am

    I have bladder health problems and have not “officially” peed my pants many times; and many of those times were in public… so, you TRULY have my sympathy.

  4. July 23, 2010 9:51 pm

    LOL I’m glad u were able to hold it.
    My friend peed her pants in 6th grade in class. The teacher pretended to pour her drink on the floor by her so that kids wouldn’t notice she had peed. Then she asked her to stay after class so that kids wouldn’t notice also. i thought it was really cool and nice of her to do that. Otherwise, she’d be known as the girl who peed in class for years.

  5. July 24, 2010 2:01 am

    Good job there. Next up on the agenda…avoiding awkward encounters in the gym showers.

    Not that I’d have any experience with that or anything… 😉

  6. July 26, 2010 3:44 am

    OMG hilarious! It’s a good thing facebook and Twitter didn’t exist back then. So much more drama would have existed than already did!

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