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I Love College

May 3, 2010

I’m graduating from college in less than a week, but I haven’t really had time to think about it until today.  Instead of depressing myself by thinking about all of the things I’ll miss, I’ve decided to focus on the  parts of college I did not enjoy.

Dickhead Professors

Listen, if you want to be a giant dick for no reason, that’s fine, but why would you choose a profession that is aimed at helping people on a daily basis?  I know this sounds crazy, but I generally do better when the professor is nice and makes the material interesting.  I know you think you’re teaching me a life lesson by giving me a zero on my paper for not putting the page numbers in the correct place or whatever bullshit you’re talking about, but all that I actually learned was that there are shitty people out there and you’re one of them.  Maybe you should have become a cop or a politician if you wanted to be such a blatant asshole.

“What? Everyone failed your test and you’re not going to curve it? Awesome! That’s pretty fair, I’d say.  It was definitely because we’re all retarded and had nothing all to do with your shitty lessons!”

Multiple Choice Tests

Although I do prefer these over short essay or fill in the blank tests, I hate when professors try to trick you by giving multiple choice tests where every answer could be correct.

“Excuse me professor, I just wondering why question 24 was marked incorrect.  I looked in the book after the test and it said I was right.”

“Well, that may be true, but choice C was more right.”

“Wait, so I the answer I picked was right?”


“So, I was right then?”



“I know you think you should get credit because you picked the right answer, but C was clearly more righter.”

“Fuck you.”

I also hate multiple choice questions like this:

1) On a scale of 1 to banana, how awesome are Skittles?

A) bana

B) banan

C) banana!

D) A and B

E) A, C, and sometimes B

F) A and C if you’re Jewish

G) B and C if you’re on your period

Really? Do I get credit if I vomit all over my scantron?

Shitty Roommates

Up until this year, I hated at least one person I was living with and I could write 50 pages about some of the things that happened, but I’ll just tell a couple, shorter stories.

Story 1

When I was living in the dorms, a kid who lived in my hall came up with one of the most ridiculous plans I’ve ever heard in my life and attempted to recruit a couple guys in our hall for this project.  For whatever reason, he had been obsessed with watching youtube videos of people doing the entire dance from Nsync’s “Bye Bye Bye” video and thought the best course of action would be to learn the dance ourselves and then put our rendition on youtube.

He believed this would result in instant mass popularity and would subsequently increase our chances for casual sexual encounters.  After we all laughed in his face, we explained why this was insane:

1) We were freshmen in 2006.  “Bye Bye Bye” came out in 2000.

2) Learning the choreography to this dance would have taken an inordinate amount of time and commitment.  We would have  had to practice for multiple hours a day for a number of weeks.  Where would we have done this? I’m sure the people using our study room would have been pumped about us turning it into a dance studio.

3) As my friend so eloquently phrased it, “Are you fucking shitting me? That is the gayest shit I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Story 2

I came home one night during my sophomore year, and two of my roommates informed me that they had something amazing to tell me.  Our other roommate had stopped smoking weed out of the blue, and they had asked him why this was so while I was at class.  During his response, he basically implied that he could physically feel his sperm dying and that this discomfort was negatively affecting his sexual performance.

In his mind, every time he smoked, his sperm would be brutally murdered by THC assassins and their pain would be magically transmitted to his brain.

So the real question is, do sperm have souls?  When you masturbate, do they scream all the way down into your trash can?  Should be we working on legislation protecting sperm’s rights?  Will they have some sort of 5k or march to raise awareness on how many sperm die a day? Will they have one of those Livestrong bracelets?  Am I using the correct tense of sperm?  I wish I had the answers.

Natty Light

I like Natty Light as much as the next guy, but I’m glad I will have the money to avoid drinking it on a regular basis.  I say that now, but I’m sure I’ll be reunited with it soon enough.

Remember when they switched the original gray can to the new, hipper one?

Who the fuck do you think you are, Natty Light? You know how much you cost and how shitty you taste.  Don’t try to cover yourself with a fancy new can and trick us into thinking you’ve improved your taste.  Just be yourself and rock that bland gray can; it works for you.

If you’re graduating, I hope that made you feel better.  Every thing is going to be alright.  It’s not like you’re dying; you’re just on your way.


5 Comments leave one →
  1. Candace Avalos permalink
    May 3, 2010 2:08 am

    ROFL Oh you. You’re hilarious.

  2. May 4, 2010 7:51 pm

    well well well. When will we start working on the bill to protect spems’ right??!=))

  3. July 16, 2010 5:00 pm

    The NSYNC vid was hilarious
    Home come when girls do funny videos they’re never as funny?
    I’ve always thought the same thing about multiple choice tests…there’s always a few right answers!

  4. CelesteVM permalink
    August 14, 2010 3:09 am

    I JUST LOVE YOUR BLOGGG! I just can’t figure out how add you to follow.. 😦

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